The Trouble With Birthday Cake Wishes
by BrioScotty
Summary: Achele. Amber makes a couple of birthday wishes at a pre-Grammy party hosted by Lea. It's all pretty ridiculous. Crack.


**PAIRINGS:** Lea/Dianna mainly. Other pairings are mentioned but I don't want to spoil it :/  
**SUMMARY:** Amber makes a couple of birthday wishes at a pre-Grammy party hosted by Lea. It's all pretty ridiculous.  
**NOTES:** Total crack.

**xxxxx**

It's not easy being a cockblocker. Amber finds this out the hard way, thrust into the position when Jenna doesn't turn up on time to Lea's pre-Grammy party. She is standing, amazon-like in the doorway of the lounge, head on a swivel as her eyes dart between Lea (Current location: in front of the fireplace, chatting with Naya and Chord) and Dianna (Current location: leaning against the couch, talking to Cory and Mark).

Amber usually scoffs at Jenna's tales of the lengths she'll go to to keep the pair separate and right now, it doesn't seem so difficult but she's been assured that this is all part of the plan. Divide and conquer. Well. Not on Amber Riley's watch!

Her gaze is averted for a fraction of a second when a message from Chris lights up the screen of her phone and when she glances back at the room, Lea is gone. Amber's eyes narrow as she scans the room for her friend but cannot spot her. Eyes trained on Dianna, she begins to patrol the perimeter, ignoring Chord as he holds out a glass of champagne towards her.

"We're here!" Jenna announces, walking into the room, Kevin on her heels. Concentration broken again, Amber glances back to the spot Dianna had been occupying. Gone. She decides that they're clearly harnessing some sort of super-stealth power.

Clueless as to the wily pair's whereabouts, Amber makes her way quickly to Jenna who greets her with a hug.

"I lost them," Amber says covertly in the other girl's ear.

"Novice," Jenna says, shaking her head slowly with disappointment etched on her face. "I'll check the bathroom and bedroom. You check the dining room and kitchen."

Eyes peeled, Amber makes her way into the empty dining room, briefly glancing beneath the table before making her way to the kitchen. She hears Lea giggle on the other side of the closed door and barges into the room.

"Caught," Lea pouts, pushing Dianna's hands away as the blonde blushes a deep shade of red.

"She had something in her eye!" Dianna exclaims. Lea glances sideways at Dianna with a slight look of incredulity as does Amber, who folds her arms across her chest.

"You've just ruined the surprise though," Lea says, gesturing to the cake on the table, the words _'Happy Almost-Birthday Amber!'_ are iced on top. "Dianna has been slaving away all afternoon…"

"I was never here," Amber says, holding up her hands and backing out of the room, running into Jenna.

"Are they in there?"

"Yes," Amber says with a nod. Jenna tilts her head and glances at the closed door before turning back to Amber.

"You are _really_ bad at this," she says, shaking her head again and walking into the kitchen. Amber shrugs and heads back to the lounge, relieved to be free of her post.

A few minutes later, Dianna, Lea and Jenna appear with the cake, candles lit, and everyone sings. Amber beams at them all when they finish and Chords shouts that she better make a good wish. In the milliseconds before she leans forward to blow the candles out, her eyes fall on Dianna and Lea and instead of wishing for world peace or a Grammy award or a new pair of Louboutins, she wishes for the truth.

**xxxxx**

"Lea!"

The brunette plasters a smile on her face as her publicist leads her over to a TV crew, a microphone is thrust in her face. The light from the camera makes her squint momentarily.

The interviewer gushes about Lea's dress and hair while the brunette grins and nods.

"Are you attending any of the post-show parties? What are you doing after the show?"

Lea wants to lament about her early start, the long day of filming and rehearsals and recording; about how she'll have to get up at 5am but that she loves her job and works with a bunch of really awesome people.

Instead she merely says: "Dianna."

Her publicist's jaw drops and the interviewer glances at her cameraman before turning back to Lea, a bemused expression on her face. Lea continues smiling before the realisation of what she's just said creeps into her consciousness. Her face falls into a slight frown.

"Can you edit that out?"

"Um… we're live to the nation and thirteen other countries," the interviewer says, biting back a laugh.

"Crap," Lea says and backs away, her publicist walking briskly to keep up. The taller woman is still too shocked to say anything. Up ahead, Lea spots a familiar head of blonde hair and calls out to her.

Dianna glances over her shoulder at the shout of her name, grinning when she spots Lea. For a few seconds, she watches as the brunette poses for photographs, shooting sultry looks at every camera pointed at her. A shiver courses through the blonde before she turns back to the woman asking her questions.

"Sorry, you were saying…"

"I was asking about your date," the woman says. "Or are you here with your castmates?"

"My beard was unavailable this evening," Dianna says, attempting to look sad and failing impressively. "Unlike Lea's. I expect he'll be trailing after her like some lovesick puppy any minute now." Dianna raises her hand to her mouth, shocked by what she's just said.

"What?" the interviewer asks, somehow managing to look delighted and confused at the same time.

"Nothing," Dianna squeaks and moves along the red carpet, stopping for more photos and trying to figure out why she'd been unable to stop herself from answering the question.

Soon, she's ushered along to the next set of cameras and microphones.

"I heard Lea threw a pre-Grammys party," one interviewer says. "Did you and the other Glee girls get ready together?" Dianna bites down on her lip, trying to stop her answer from escaping but it's hopeless. Her lips part and words start tumbling out.

"Well, I helped Lea into her dress. Then out of it. Then into it again. So I guess so," she cringes, trying to move away but more questions are fired her way.

"Did you help her pick the dress? Is there anything you like about it in particular?"

"Easy access. And she's going commando this evening," Dianna blurts, face turning crimson. She curses under her breath, presses her hand to her mouth and moves away from the cameras and microphones, hurrying towards the end of the red carpet.

**xxxxx**

"Lea! What about these engagement rumours?"

"Is he moving to Los Angeles?"

"Do you miss him? Is it difficult?"

Lea answers all of these questions with a look of disgust instead of making up a half-baked answer about long-distance relationships and how difficult it is to make them work all the time but they try _really_ hard to see one another when they can.

Tonight, however? She can't stop herself from talking about Dianna. Dianna this, Dianna that: what they did in the limo on the way over; how they got caught on-set not once or twice but three times (in the space of a week); how they're going to spend their second anniversary.

And Lea is powerless to stop herself. She feels the words burst out of her mouth before she can even think about what she's saying. She feels sharp jabs in her side as her publicist grows pale in response to Lea's answers but still the petite brunette cannot force herself to stop.

Eventually, she's rushed into the theatre where her eyes immediately fall on the blonde she can't shut up about. Dianna spots her and waves her over impatiently.

"Something strange is going on," Dianna hisses in Lea's ear.

"I know!" Lea exclaims. "I just told E! that we're planning a mini-break in the Caribbean. You and me. Together. As a couple. Because it's our second anniversary."

"I said that I liked your dress because it has easy access and you're going commando," Dianna says.

"What?"

"I couldn't stop myself!"

"So… you can't lie?" Lea asks, frowning in contemplation.

"_We_ can't lie," Dianna whispers. "Oh my god. We can't lie."

As a test, Lea stops a passer-by wearing a truly hideous dress. Though in her mind, she says that the dress is gorgeous and the woman's accessories are to die for, her mouth somehow turns this into: "I'd rather wear a garbage bag than be caught dead wearing that."

The woman looks pissed. And rightfully so.

"Lea!" Dianna hisses, grabbing Lea's arm and glancing apologetically at the nameless woman who looks like she might punch the shorter brunette. "That dress is horrid though."

A short, hysterical laugh escapes Lea's mouth as the blonde drags her away towards the bathroom. Mercifully, it's empty. Dianna flips the lock and leans back against the door.

"We are so screwed."

"You weren't complaining earlier…" Lea says, shooting a lascivious look at the blonde who glares in response.

"As I recall, neither were you," Dianna retorts, watching the brunette as she saunters closer, an unmistakable look in her eyes. "Not now."

"But you want to, right?"

"More than anything," Dianna answers automatically. "That's not exactly a test of the whole truth-telling predicament." Lea blushes slightly, invading the blonde's personal space and sliding her arms around her waist.

"Is that so?" Lea asks, gazing up at the taller woman intently.

**xxxxx**

"Oh my god, oh my god."

Amber answers her phone to the sound of Chris taking the Lord's name in vain repeatedly until she tells him to shut up.

"What's going on?" she asks, wandering away from the rest of her cast mates.

"Lea and Dianna… oh my god. They just outed themselves to a whole bunch of reporters. Oh my god. Dianna told everyone that Lea is going commando."

"What?" Amber says. "Honey, you need to calm down. I don't understand what you're saying."

"I was watching E!" he says after taking a deep breath. "And Lea told them that she and Di are taking a cruise in the Caribbean for their second anniversary."

Amber's jaw drops slightly as she tries to process this.

"What?" she says hollowly.

"And Di told them that she likes Lea's dress because it has easy access and Lea is going commando. Ryan is going to fire them… why would they choose tonight to broadcast…" Amber tunes out the rest of what Chris says as she remembers the cake. The candles. The smoke rising in funny little spirals towards the ceiling. Her wish.

"I have to go!" she trills, hanging up on Chris immediately. Jenna is gesturing wildly for her to join them but she starts to walk quickly around the foyer, looking for any sign of the pair. Her stomach drops when she sees them exiting the bathroom and she rushes manically to them as quickly as she can in her heels that were definitely not designed for running.

"You can't lie!" she exclaims.

"We know," Lea states matter-of-factly.

"It's my fault!" Amber says, pulling the pair towards a quieter corner.

"Why?" Dianna asks, cocking her head to the side. "Did you do something?"

"Did you slip truth serum in our champagne?"

"Where would I get truth serum?" Amber asks, raising an eyebrow. "It was the cake."

Both women stare at their friend in astonishment.

"Sweetie," Dianna says gently. "It might be time to switch to water."

"It was the cake! The birthday cake and the candles and I made a wish that you two had to tell the truth and it _came true_!"

Lea and Dianna exchange a bewildered glance before Lea reaches out to touch Amber's forearm.

"Water," she says. "Lots of it. And maybe some fresh air? Are you feeling okay?"

"What other explanation is there?" Amber asks, getting frustrated by how patronising the other two are being. "What other reason could there be for you two suddenly blurting to the world how you feel about each other?"

"She might have a point," Lea says sagely. "Why would you do that? Anything in the world and you want _us_ to tell the truth?"

"What's the worst that'll happen now that everyone knows?" Amber asks. "Ryan can't fire you for being gay."

"But if he does, it's all your fault, Amber. All your fault." Lea begins to chant the last three words, nudging Dianna until she joins in. They start to walk forwards, backing her into the corner and she covers her ears with her hands as the chanting gets louder and louder and…

"Make a wish, Amber!"

She looks up into the faces of her friends; kind, smiling faces. The candles are burning lower and lower and as she looks at Dianna and Lea, she realises that she, along with the rest of the world, doesn't need the truth. Especially if it involves dresses with thigh slits and a lack of underwear.

So instead she wishes that they all have the night of their lives.

**xxxxx**

Ryan is mad. He's pacing and his hands are fidgeting and his hat is askew.

In front of him, all of the attendees of the Grammy's are hidden behind sunglasses. Most of them are hungover and Brad is pretty sure he's still drunk.

Naya hiccups loudly and everyone starts to giggle until Ryan rounds on them, glaring out from beneath the bill of his favourite yellow cap. He gestures for one of the production assistants to come closer, a stack of newspapers in her hands.

He holds up the first.

**GLEE GIRLS GONE WILD!**

Underneath the headline, a photo of Naya, Lea and Dianna takes up most of the front page. They're surrounded by women in various states of undress, some of whom are wound around shiny metal poles. The three actresses are holding shot glasses and Naya is fanning herself with one dollar bills.

"Explain."

The three exchange quick glances. Naya shrugs, Dianna blushes and Lea opens her mouth to speak.

"Well, it was Chord's idea…"

"Don't drag me into this, Michele!" Chord interjects.

"But then the guys chickened out or went to the casino or something and Di said she'd never been to a strip club so…"

"Enough."

He drops the newspaper to the floor and takes the next one.

**GLEE CAST MEMBERS TIE THE KNOT**

Before anyone can attempt to explain what happened, Ryan begins to read the article.

"Congratulations are in order for not one but two Glee couples. In a post-midnight ceremony last night, Jenna Ushkowitz and Kevin McHale tied the knot, watched by fellow cast members Cory Monteith and Amber Riley, who then proceeded to marry each other. Monteith, who plays star football player Finn Hudson, said of his new wife: 'She's awesome. She's just like this awesome, awesome woman. Made of awesome.'"

"My lawyer has been contacted. The annulment is underway," Amber says immediately. "Sorry Cory."

"Do I really say awesome that often?" Cory asks, making a face. Amber rolls her eyes.

"And you two?" Ryan butts in, directing his question to Jenna and Kevin.

"I kind of like being Jenna Ushkowitz-McHale," the brunette says with a shrug.

"Me too," Kevin agrees. "Kevin. Not Jenna. I think I need to go throw up again." He runs out of the room, hand covering his mouth.

"And finally…" Ryan says, reaching for another newspaper.

**GLEE GUYS GAY ROMP**

Two photos accompany this headline. A fuzzy photo of Chord and Mark at a blackjack table, lips locked in what appears to be a heated kiss and another of them leaving a hotel in the middle of the night.

"I don't even know where to begin," Ryan says, shaking his head. "What the hell were you all thinking?"

"Chord is an awesome kisser," Mark says with a snort.

"Dude," Chord punches his shoulder.

"Do I have to reintroduce the sex ban?" Ryan asks, ignoring the protests of his cast. He shoots a glare at Lea who appears to be protesting ten times louder than everyone else. "A drinking ban then. Two drink maximum at awards shows from now on."

"Hallelujah," Amber mutters. "My liver can't keep up with you guys anyway."

Ryan tells them all he wants them back on set in two hours and they shuffle out of the room.

"Best night ever," Lea whispers in Dianna's ear, slipping her hand into the blonde's as they head towards Dianna's trailer. Dianna nods and slides her sunglasses down her nose to wink at the brunette. Amber watches as a less-pale Kevin and his new wife walk arm-in-arm towards their trailer. Chord and Mark are laughing and shoving each other playfully.

"See you later, Mrs Monteith!" Cory calls as he lopes off towards his trailer.

"Call me that again and I will end you, Mr Monteith!" she calls back, only half-joking. And then she smiles, a rather smug smile.

Night of their lives indeed.


End file.
